Do you know me? Do I know me?

Life goes on.  Some days are great, some are good, others okay, and a few are pretty low.  And many days are a combination of any or all of the preceding.

This article has been around for quite some time.  I have never seen it attributed to anyone in particular.  (If I ever find out, I will give credit where it is due.)

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I’M NOT SAYING

Don’t be fooled by me.  Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.  For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don’t be fooled.  Please.  Don’t be fooled.

I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and that I’m in command and I need no one.  But don’t believe me; please don’t believe me.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.  Beneath it lies no smugness, no coolness, no complacence.  Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in loneliness.  But I hide this; I don’t want anybody to know it.  I panic at the thought of my weakness being exposed.  That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated façade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.  But such a glance is precisely my salvation.  My only salvation.  And I know it.  It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.

But I don’t tell you this.  I don’t dare.  I’m afraid to.

I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance.  I’m afraid that you will think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh will kill me.  I’m afraid that deep down inside I’m nothing, that I’m just no good, and that you’ll see the real me and reject me.

So I play my games, my desperate, pretending games, with a façade of assurance on the outside and a trembling child within.  And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks.  And my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk.  I tell you everything that’s really nothing, nothing of what’s crying within me.  So when I’m going through my routine, don’t be fooled by what I’m saying.  Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m NOT saying; what I’d like to be able to say; what, for survival, I need to say but I can’t say.  I dislike the hiding.  Honestly I do.  I dislike the superficial phony games I’m playing.

I’d really like to be genuine, spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me.  You have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that’s the last thing I seem to want or need.  Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings.  Very small wings.  Very feeble wings.  But wings.  With your sensitivity and empathy and your power of understanding, I can make it.  You can breathe life into me.  It will not be easy for you.  A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.  But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope.  Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive, and I AM a child.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.  For I am every man, every woman, every child… every human you will ever meet.

Anonymous

I don’t agree with the sentiment of a knowing glance being my salvation, “my only salvation.”  True salvation is different and real.  But to interpret the author’s words as being a first step to friendship, to hope, is an idea I can generally agree with.

So, am I posting this on a day when I’m okay so I can be an encouragement to others? Or am I down and looking for a friend? I’m not sure of the answer myself.

I do remember, Love Wins!

No longer missing

Despite evidence to the contrary, I am still on the planet.  With everything that has been occurring over the past few months (prepping and staging a house to sell, open houses and showings, selling a house, packing and moving across country, and settling into a new location; plus deadlines at work), I have not made myself write anything.  Some days I was too exhausted.  Other days, just didn’t know what to say.  Many thoughts bounced around in my head, but nothing crystal clear.

This cross-country move has brought me back home (quite literally, moving in with Mom to help her out a bit).  Over the past 11+ years, I have grown a great deal.  Many experiences gave many opportunities for learning.  This was brought home to me in an interesting way.

I was visiting a friend a few days ago, and noticed some photos she had posted on her refrigerator.  I recognized her and two other friends in the photo, but couldn’t quite figure out the fourth person.  I knew she looked familiar.  After staring at the photo for a moment, I started to recognize myself.  It was really weird that I didn’t instantly realize it was a picture of me.  The picture was 10 years old.  Yes, my hairstyle had changed a bit, but nothing drastic.  It was something about the face.  There was a slight emptiness or hollowness about it.  There was a smile at my mouth, but not so much in my eyes.

Since that photo was taken, I have gone through some counseling and recovered from depression.  There is now more light in my eyes.  (Not to sound conceited, but I believe I look better now – ten years later – than I did then.)  I am so thankful for making the effort to get better.  I now have more confidence and purpose in my life.

Hanging on through the hurt

I am thankful for the healing I have received.  While I get discouraged from time to time, I don’t find myself in the dark places where my mind once dwelled.  It’s nice that those memories have faded, but I can still recall the feelings, even though they don’t have the same intensity.

I came across a quote recently, and I find encouragement in it.  It is by Dr. Paul Brand, who is renowned for his work with leprosy patients. Brand responded to the question, “Where is God when it hurts?” with this: “He is in you, the one hurting, not in it, the thing that hurts.”  Yes, God is with us!

A family in our church recently suffered a loss through suicide.  I cannot imagine the pain truly involved.  One thing that kept me from following through on my suicidal thoughts was thinking through the pain that my parents and others would have felt.  I couldn’t bear that outcome.  I hung on a little longer and made it through one more day, and then another.

I have a book title The Art of Helping by Lauren Littauer Briggs.  The subtitle is “What to Say and Do When Someone is Hurting.”  The books lists dozens of life situations where people can hurt, each with its own chapter.  I looked up the chapter on Loss By Suicide, and found a wonderful contribution.

One of the best responses to a suicide that I have ever heard came through a sermon delivered by the pastor of a young man who shot himself.  With great eloquence, his pastor was able to convey tremendous hope through these words: “Our friend died on his own battlefield.  He was killed in action, fighting a civil war.  He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us.  They were powerful adversaries.  They took a toll on his energies and endurance.  They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage, and only God knows how this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul.”  (Originally published in “Helping Survivors Survive” by Victor M. Parachin, Bereavement Magazine, January, 1991.)

Those words ring so true to the inner battles I once faced.  I pray for this family as they come to mind.

One closing thought.  “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” - Plato

Where is the music?

I was reading Simplify Your Spiritual Life by Donald S. Whitney and came upon this quote:

A songless Christian is a contradiction in terms, for the Bible describes God’s people as those who say, “He has put a new song in my mouth — praise to our God” (Psalm 40:3).  If he has put that new song in your mouth, sing it every day.

Music and singing have always been a big part of my life.  I was always in the children’s choir at church, and as soon as I was old enough, I joined the adult choir.  I was often there during rehearsals when I was young because my mom was there, and later my dad joined too.

My mom used to sing around the house while going about her daily tasks.  I don’t recall exactly when, but she didn’t do it much anymore.  A couple of years ago, she told me she stopped singing when she knew there was someone around (me) who really knew how to sing.  While my mom did not have the confidence to sing a solo, she could carry a tune just fine.

I have not been singing as much lately.  I’m not on any worship team at church.  Now my voice feels a little out of shape – don’t think I could hit those Sandi Patty-esque high notes now!  Music is the language of my heart.  I need to encourage the songs to come out again.

Are you encouraging your heart to sing?

A Little Corny

I’ll admit to coming from Southern country roots.  (We are not a family of rednecks, however.)  I remember watching a lot of “Hee Haw” when I was younger.  Yes, the jokes were corny, and those on the show were aware of that and used that to their advantage.  That’s why so many of the jokes were told out in the cornfield.  The show also had some great guests on as well.

I could say that I come by my appreciation of such humor honestly.  We sometimes call my mom corny; her parents paid the doctor in corn when she was born.  My dad’s birth was paid for with a pig, and he could occasionally be a ham.

Enjoy this little clip!  It’s okay to laugh, even if you’re not country.

Waiting for the bottom

With various challenges that have been going on in my life, I felt like I was close to hitting bottom.  I’ve been hanging on and doing okay, as long as nothing else broke or went wrong.  Well, something else did go wrong today.  Nothing tragic or life-threatening; just something disturbing, stressful, and difficult to deal with.

On my way home from work, after “staying strong” and processing the situation, I was listening to the local Christian radio station.  A song came on that is one of my favorites: “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns.  I was able to cry my way through singing the lyrics (not one of my better “performances”), and felt more peaceful at the end of the song.

I know God is there to help me through any and all of my challenges.  This song reminded me of that fact.  (I do have a question.  In Florida, where does a person “look to the hills” for help?  It’s hard when you’re from a city named Mountain View.  But I digress.)

THANK YOU God for guiding me through the storms that blow my way.

The Human Sponge

Those who know me know me as a quiet person.  Those who know me well know better.

For most of my years on this earth, I have been like a human sponge – always soaking things in without letting a lot out.   Being the youngest in my family, by several years, I was usually just listening to the adults around me talk.  That was my place in childhood, and it felt comfortable to stay there.

I am the one who hears and remembers details like birthdays, favorite foods, hobbies, etc.  When I mention something to the person I am speaking with, he or she is rather surprised that I know anything about it.

The idea of the human sponge came up recently at work.  Our small office has recently added two new employees.  Since I have been around almost 6 years (although it doesn’t seem like it) I can share a fair amount about past projects and ideas.  The new ladies now know to give me a little squeeze, and the information will flow.

I love learning.  While I don’t have a photographic memory, it’s pretty sharp.  My husband calls me his brains.  He will only play Trivial Pursuit if it’s team play and we are on the same team.  I think you would want me on your team too.

If you like learning, here are a couple of websites to check out: 

• At dictionary.com, you can learn the word of the day either by reading it at the site, or signing up for an email. 
• If you want to be more knowledgeable about books, check out DailyLit.com.  There you can sign up to have book portions emailed to you.  There are even several you can get for free.

Happy learning!