Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself in the right way(s). This comes out differently in various situations:
- Not keeping my frustration in check when calling up customer service, especially with technical/computer issues. (I’m sure some have wanted to tell me to “shut up and reboot” – or just “shut up.”)
- Not gracefully accepting help when playing games on my computer. (Ooh – put the black 7 on the red 8.)
- Not responding truthfully when someone asks “How are you doing?”
One way I try to handle this challenge is to think through the potential conversation in advance, so that I can choose words that convey what I mean, without using trigger words that set people off (“You always/never,” “Why don’t you,” etc.). My problem is, I often don’t get the conversation out of my head. I try out alternatives to find the best words. When nothing seems to be quite right, I move on to a different task. Rather than address the situation, I just let it fizzle out inside of me. Maybe this is how I am now “stuffing” my feelings, although I thought I was past that.
I want to be real, to be authentic. I want to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with the people in my life. Please allow me a little time to put my thoughts into words, and grant me a little grace as I try to communicate them.
One of my long-term projects at work was helping my boss update the previous version of his book, The On-Purpose Person. We went through several revisions. Once it was completed, it was sent to the publisher. There were a few more rounds of edits. When the time came to approve the final galley proofs, my husband and I were in the middle of our cross-country move. I didn’t get the opportunity to give the text a final look to catch any errors. Once we arrived at our destination, I was too nervous to look at the document, for fear of finding any errors.
I received the printed copies I requested, and I was still nervous about looking at the printed text. I so wanted to see a book without any typos or errors. Alas, it was not to be. While few, there are some mistakes in the book. I felt somewhat discouraged, feeling like my reputation as a proofreader was tarnished.
It is hard to find a book anywhere that does not contain at least one printing error. (I even found one in my Bible once, although it was nothing that changed the meaning of the words.) I am still learning how to let go of my perfectionistic tendencies. No person, no book is perfect. And that’s okay.
Life can be like a book. Our stories are told, and not one of them is perfect. It is good to strive for excellence, but realize that perfection is impossible. Our flaws make us unique and human. Thinking it over, I’d rather be this way than stiff and fake.
If you would like to see the updated and revised edition of The On-Purpose Person, click here.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I am still on the planet. With everything that has been occurring over the past few months (prepping and staging a house to sell, open houses and showings, selling a house, packing and moving across country, and settling into a new location; plus deadlines at work), I have not made myself write anything. Some days I was too exhausted. Other days, just didn’t know what to say. Many thoughts bounced around in my head, but nothing crystal clear.
This cross-country move has brought me back home (quite literally, moving in with Mom to help her out a bit). Over the past 11+ years, I have grown a great deal. Many experiences gave many opportunities for learning. This was brought home to me in an interesting way.
I was visiting a friend a few days ago, and noticed some photos she had posted on her refrigerator. I recognized her and two other friends in the photo, but couldn’t quite figure out the fourth person. I knew she looked familiar. After staring at the photo for a moment, I started to recognize myself. It was really weird that I didn’t instantly realize it was a picture of me. The picture was 10 years old. Yes, my hairstyle had changed a bit, but nothing drastic. It was something about the face. There was a slight emptiness or hollowness about it. There was a smile at my mouth, but not so much in my eyes.
Since that photo was taken, I have gone through some counseling and recovered from depression. There is now more light in my eyes. (Not to sound conceited, but I believe I look better now – ten years later – than I did then.) I am so thankful for making the effort to get better. I now have more confidence and purpose in my life.
I was reading Simplify Your Spiritual Life by Donald S. Whitney and came upon this quote:
A songless Christian is a contradiction in terms, for the Bible describes God’s people as those who say, “He has put a new song in my mouth — praise to our God” (Psalm 40:3). If he has put that new song in your mouth, sing it every day.
Music and singing have always been a big part of my life. I was always in the children’s choir at church, and as soon as I was old enough, I joined the adult choir. I was often there during rehearsals when I was young because my mom was there, and later my dad joined too.
My mom used to sing around the house while going about her daily tasks. I don’t recall exactly when, but she didn’t do it much anymore. A couple of years ago, she told me she stopped singing when she knew there was someone around (me) who really knew how to sing. While my mom did not have the confidence to sing a solo, she could carry a tune just fine.
I have not been singing as much lately. I’m not on any worship team at church. Now my voice feels a little out of shape – don’t think I could hit those Sandi Patty-esque high notes now! Music is the language of my heart. I need to encourage the songs to come out again.
Are you encouraging your heart to sing?
I had the privilege (yes, privilege) to report for jury duty. Our country has a great justice system that, when practiced properly, works well. I just wish it didn’t start so early in the morning. I packed my bag with a book to read, some puzzles to play, and my lunch. They say to dress appropriately for court, so I wore something business casual that was also comfortable for sitting long periods of time.
While sitting in the juror holding room, my mind went to the thought of which of two T-shirts would be more fun to wear to jury duty: one with the logo of “Love Wins” or one that states “Barbaric Grace”? (Both shirts are from the church I attend.)
Most people brought laptops or something to read or work on. The court also provides magazines and books if you need something. Some people talked with their neighbors a bit. Thankfully, no one talked loudly on a cell phone for an extended period of time. It was kind of fun to watch various people.
One guy brought in a newspaper and read it for a while. He got up for a short break and to go get a drink. Before leaving, he wrote his name on his newspaper. While he was away, another guy sits down at the small table and starts to read the paper. The first guy somes back to claim his paper, so the second guy gives it to him. Guy #1 finished reading the paper, and then takes it to put it on a bookshelf twenty feet away instead of giving it to guy #2 who is sitting at the same table. A third gentleman sitting nearby has his number called, so he gives his paper to guy #2, who thanks him.
Sounds like “Love Wins” to me.
