Thoughts from the Journey

We are closing in on the end of National Infertility Awareness Week. There is a month of awareness in October. Maybe the powers that be think we need a booster shot of sorts just before Mother’s Day. I have been going over these thoughts in my head for the last couple of weeks, and wanted to share them before the week was over.

Statistics state that 1 in 8 or 1 in 6 couples have some trouble conceiving a baby. I was talking with a young lady of about 30 recently, and she stated that she didn’t realize there were so many couples affected until she got to the age where her friends were wanting to start families and some of them struggled. I wasn’t aware either when I was in my early 20s, but as time wore on, I learned more.

After the first few years of marriage, my husband and I talked of, and didn’t try to prevent, having children. When it didn’t happen right away, we took it as an opportunity to pursue other goals. Realizing we weren’t getting any younger, and it wasn’t happening naturally, we decided to pursue getting some assistance. I don’t remember how many tests were performed on me, and I’d just as soon not remember all of the pain that I went through during them. We even went through a few rounds of Artificial Insemination. None of them worked. Since most insurance does not cover such issues, we didn’t feel right about pursuing that path, putting ourselves into deeper debt to try for a child.

I don’t know why family members didn’t ask us about having kids. When we had been married about 4 years, someone in the family asked if we were considering starting our family. Each of my siblings had their kids when they had been married about 5 years, and when it was pointed out we were nearing that time (and starting to try towards it actually), there were a few giggles, like an announcement might be coming in the not-too-distant future. After a while, it wasn’t brought up again.  Maybe they don’t want to bring up a sensitive subject? I can appreciate that, but it would also be nice to be able to say what I’m feeling.

There is debate whether to call couples like us child-free or childless. “Child-free” sounds more positive, while “childless” feels like something is lacking. Some people put “by choice” after their selection. How much of it is by choice? I thought I would be a mother, because that is what ladies did. For me, I don’t know that it was ever the strong desire that some of my friends have. Or maybe that dream has been so far pushed down that I can’t remember how deep of a wish it was. Is there still a possibility for us? I don’t see it at this point, and we’re beginning to push the upper limit of time. So is the lack of a decision to follow one path our choice? If things happened “normally” we would have a couple of kids by now, and probably in their teens.

Here’s a little friendly advice.

1. If you are having a challenging time with your kids, don’t complain of it to your childless friends. Some would love to be able to have your headaches for a while.
2. If you hear of someone having had a miscarriage, DON’T say “At least you know you can get pregnant.” You don’t know if that might be her first, fifth, or twelfth miscarriage.

I have had the opportunity to walk alongside many ladies on this same journey. Some have gone on to have successful pregnancies and births. Others have adopted from foster care or other countries. And some are waiting (trying to be patient) to adopt infants, or have adopted them. And there are others like me still out there.

There are two times in life when a woman can feel extra-special: bride-to-be and mom-to-be. I feel like I’ve missed out on a time of celebration. There’s not a party to be thrown for the infertile woman.

I know of one writer who calls infertility a disability, and to me that sounds reasonable. After all, a disability is not being able to do something on one’s own that most other people can. For this reason, I will always feel a little bit defective.

I saw some postings on Facebook trying to raise awareness for infertility. It is reworked a bit here to close out my thoughts.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague, or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in and day out, please be aware that many have walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM.

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